Admission : I have been really depressed the last few months. If you’ve read this blog, you know that’s not uncommon. I’ve been carefully adjusting med levels and combinations, but that sometimes exacerbates the symptoms. I’ve had the most luck with a generous dosage of xanax followed by lots of caffeine, but that’s not sustainable (I limit it to twice a week max) and depending on circumstances, it sometimes still doesn’t work. And even that kind of feels like covering Carolina Reaper Hot wings with chocolate sauce to distract from the heat or a weird inverted version of the adrenaline shot scene from Pulp Fiction…I’m not addressing the root issue.
And unfortunately, solving the root issue (depression) does not have a quick, easy, or permanent solution.
So why am I here and what am I trying to say?
I keep thinking of a scene from Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. Young Indiana Jones steals a relic from some graver robbers. After a long chase, where he gets his scar and develops his fear of snakes, he is forced to give the relic back to them. As he does, the leader of the robbers tells him “You lost today, kid. But that doesn’t mean you have to like it.”
I’ve always loved that line. As much as I love Batman and James Bond (and Han Solo and Aragorn and Robin Hood), Indiana Jones has always been my favorite. Maybe it’s because he’s not the biggest or strongest…
…but he makes up for that with efficiency…
…and not giving up…even if he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.
Plus the man chooses sleep over sex, so he’s clearly overcoming all these obstacles while on antidepressants.
But back to that Last Crusade quote and why it’s been resonating with me so much:
I am not okay. My happiness is ever fleeting. I have to balance having enough energy to work and keep a positive face on while fearing my anxiety might creep in with that energy reserve. I have to fight to get out of bed in the morning (which as a morning person, is doubly offensive).
None of that is an ideal way to live one’s life. But as the man with the hat might say “that doesn’t mean I have to like it.” And the fact I’m not okay with it – and I refuse to let that be my life – means I haven’t lost in the so called game of life. Giving up and accepting what I am going through is worse than settling; it is blighting a gift that some people had taken away from them.
I think it’s appropriate that after the man gives Indiana Jones his hat, Indy makes it a part of who he is going forward, never leaving it behind. Maybe it’s a reminder to not accept defeat.
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I’d be remiss if I didn’t comment on the mental well being of everyone. It seems like everyone is struggling. There’s the saying “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” It seems like now everyone is fighting multiple battles, and that’s not even including exhaustion, stress from inflation, and trying to figure out if you should watch House of Dragons or Rings of Power.
Let’s not sugar coat it : the world kind of sucks right now. But we don’t have to face it alone. If you’re not okay, be open about it. Vulnerability is key (unless you’re Amber Heard). Talk to your loved ones. If you don’t have anyone, talk to me. I promise I won’t be like “yo, you should watch Indiana Jones.” The world is crazy and lonely but that doesn’t mean we have to be.
FortressOfDawsontude 